I surrender all to the promises you made..

Sunday, Oct. 09, 2005 ~ 9:15 a.m.

I went and had all my hair chopped off last night. I took a plethora of shots in my room of myself so I can show pictures later. Somehow, I still feel like, after two years, cutting all my hair off is an act of rebellion against Mike, who loved my long hair.

This is fact, not fiction for the first time in years..

I'm not even sure what I'm feeling in that arena. It's been two years -- it's not as though that was a lifechanging relationship -- we were together for three or four months, not even dating the whole time, and I didn't even like the man, but the fact that I got absolutely no closure in that relationship except a hangup without a conversation still burns me to the core. For a long time, I really wanted to go back to him. It was because I was new and young, and he was older and knew what he was doing and I sought that guidance. I needed someone to tell me how to walk and what to do, someone to tell me how I was supposed to feel.

I have this issue. I live on the fumes of empty memories until new ones come along. I had wished that things with Tyler would last long enough for me to make new memories but I still go back to two years ago (almost to the day), when I was sitting at the kitchen table, and he turned back before he went outside to come and kiss me, and I want to be kissed again, that's all. Not by an old man. By someone who matters, someone who is going to give me new memories so I can move on and out and forget about everything else that happened.

I need to make new memories so I can live off of them. And they can't just come one experience at a time, because then I end up dwelling on one or two seconds in time, replaying them over and over in my head to analyze them, etc. My brain thinks too much, and this is all disjointed and terrible, I apologize to any readers.